The Joy of True Friendships

Over the last two blogs, we have highlighted some of the difficult things that can happen in life concerning friendships. First, it is a reality of life that some friends will walk away from their professed faith for a number of reasons. Secondly, we touched on the fact that Satan seeks to attack and separate true friends, and that we should be overly sensitive to the impact sin can have and protective of our friendships in the body of Christ.

But rather than running the risk of sounding too negative, we will end this three part series on a much more positive note – the value of godly friendship.

There are very few things in life that are more valuable than true godly friendship. The Ancient Proverbs says that “a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Prov. 17:17). It is true that the most meaningful friends are the ones that last through the hardships and triumphs of life, friendships that are based on mutual respect, forgiveness, companionship, trust, and love. A friend is one who can see you for who you really are, ugly warts, sin, and all – and still love you and stick with you no matter what.

These are rare jewels. Rare finds. But the truest friendships are nothing short of miraculous blessings from God. They are relationships that span distances and time. For example, I have some friends in far away places that I haven’t seen in years, but in picking up the phone, we can have a profoundly direct and weighty conversation and can achieve a level of depth almost instantly whereby there is immediate connection, empathy, and mutual understanding. You can be yourself and share your true feelings without being judged or misunderstood. And the encouragement, affirmation, accountability, and affection shared has a way of nourishing the soul instantly.

Your true friends are the ones that are quick to forgive and are not simply in the relationship for what they can get out of it. They aren’t simply sponges, but are those who are committed to giving generously with the primary motive of love. In this way, it is definitely true that the richest and purest friendships on earth are those that are shared between Christians. For the foundation of such friendships is the love of God, the One who has truly defined love for us.

There is an openness and honesty within a great friendship. I recently had a friend tell me that when he talks to me he doesn’t feel like he has to be “on his game” but can actually let his guard down and just be himself, relaxed and transparent. That was such a compliment to me. And the feeling is mutual. I can laugh and make mistakes in front of this friend and he will love me just the same – a true brother. I praise God for him.

It is true that each one of us will at some point be required to give an account of himself to God (Rom. 14:12). And one of the ways that God prepares us for that is by giving us friends here and now to which we can give an account. Like iron sharpening iron, an accountability partner or friend is a must for anyone who wants to live a godly life that pleases God. In this way, the wisdom of Ecclesiastes is put into practice. For Solomon wrote,

^{ECC 4:10} If one falls down,his friend can help him up.But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! ¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? ¹² Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Indeed, Christians must have accountability relationships and friendships. But in order to have such a friend, you must first begin by having a willingness to be such a friend. You have to be willing to open your life and heart to someone else. You must learn the value of and practice unconditional love, selfless giving, and humility yourself. If you do this, you will find that you will acquire a great many friends, ones that will last a lifetime. And you will be best prepared to be the kind of friend that people want.

Speaking metaphorically, Aristotle said that a friend is like “a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” I like that picture, for it shows how yoked together two friends really are. “Soul mates” as we would say.

Commit yourself to being the kind of friend that somebody would want to have. Loyal, true, open, honest, with a true servant's heart -- full of love. As you walk with the Spirit, you will overflow with God’s love and this will enrich your relationships. In fact, you will see the quality of your friendships increase, and the numbers thereof as well. Therefore, the depth of your relationship with God will directly impact the quality of the friendship that someone may find in you.

God truly blesses Christian friendships. May you find this to be true in your life as you walk with the Lord this Christmas season. Hold on to your friends. Love them unconditionally, and in doing so you, yourself will be blessed.

When Satan Attacks Friendships - Friends that Fall Away from Each Other

In keeping with the similar theme of my last blog, it is another human reality (and a tragic one at that) to have friendships that become strained and even come to an end during the course of one's life. Even good Christian friendships slip in this regard, such that all Christians should be on their guard against it. I recently heard a sermon by one of my favorite preachers, Dr. James MacDonald, and in his message he said he has been absolutely stunned by how even Christians “burn bridges” with one another. (See his message series entitled “Balcony People Build Bridges” available on his podcast).

In true Christian circles, the theme should be “once a friend, always a friend.” But personal agendas, fear, pride, critical spirits, inappropriate judging, jealousy, selfishness, hypocrisy, misunderstandings, poor communication, control battles, private sins, and unmet expectations are often the majority of reasons for much of the relationship tensions, withdrawals, and severances that happen today among Christian friends. (I'm sure there are other things that I didn't mention that could be added.)

Now I never thought I would borrow the overused song lyric from the 80’s coined by Michael W. Smith, but it is true that friends should be friends forever “if the Lord’s the Lord of them.” Instead of “bridge burners,” Christians should be filled with such grace that they should be continual “bridge builders.” MacDonald talked about the fact that many times he’s had friends who have distanced themselves and broken off the friendship even though he never did, stating “there’s some people that I wish would be friends with me but they won’t anymore, though I’m still willing.”

Now people change. Let’s be real here. And when that happens, relationships are bound to change. No one is saying that the level of reciprocating affection in a relationship will always remain constant or increasing. I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation. People move away. Interests change. Shared experiences don’t always happen every day. Differences in opinion and preferences occur. But at the baseline level, there should always be an ongoing cordiality, spiritual and relational connection, and a genuine friendly interest in someone else’s life within the circle of all Christians. If we are truly committed to forgiveness like we say we are, then friendships should always stay in tact to some degree. We are family -- brothers and sisters for eternity, equally saved by grace.

It is when “roots of bitterness” take hold, based on any number of reasons, that relationships can crash like the stock market. The writer of Hebrews said, “see to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:15) Any of the sins I mentioned above in paragraph two could lead to bitterness that causes relational trouble and defilement. But it’s interesting to note that the Scriptures here give indication that relationships that fail not only affect the immediate parties, but they can affect the whole community of faith. One friendship that tanks can bring many others down with it.

Therefore we must be overly protective and supportive of each other and careful with our friendships in the body of Christ, lest we give the devil a foothold. These are people with whom we will spend eternity, and so we better seek to maintain them here on earth. Thus the emphasis on reconciliation among believers by Jesus (Matt. 5:23-24; Matt. 18:15-17) and even among the Apostles (e.g. Eph. 4:25-32; Col. 3:12-14; 1 Pet. 4:8-9) was meant to preserve what God has chosen to build, namely, his church. Surely there are people in the church that we will like more and relate better to than others – BUT we must be on guard against “cliques,” preferential prejudices, judgmental sarcasm, and stereotyping within the body of Christ. God has meant for all of us to embrace each other as brothers and sisters, being patient and forgiving and friendly to one another. At the heart of such success in relationships is the virtue of humility, the kind of humility modeled by Jesus who stooped down as a servant to wash the feet of his disciples. In fact, I would argue that humility as at the root of thriving relationships among Christians.

Perhaps this is why Jesus is now willing to call each of us his friends (John 15:14-15), because he was willing to abandon status and privilege and embrace a humble life, and in doing so made many eternal “friendships” that are based on the principles of reconciliation and forgiveness, a reconciliation and forgiveness that he himself provided for in his death on the cross.

So guard your friendships. They are precious. Be a person of grace. Seek forgiveness and reconciliation if needed. Protect the reputation and unity of the body of Christ. Don’t think more highly of yourself than you ought. Embrace an attitude of humility. Seek mutual understanding. Give someone the benefit of the doubt. Be the mature one who is never willing to withdraw unless it is clear you have to for biblical reasons (1 Cor. 5:11). And above all, put on love, which always binds believers together for all eternity. These friendships we have in Christian circles have been forged by God, and what God has joined together, let no one or no thing separate.

When Friends Fall Away or Walk Away From the Faith

Many seasoned Christians will tell you that if you live long enough, you are bound to have friends that fall away from the faith. Friends who, for no apparent reason, walk away from what they have professed to believe for years, or who fall into a certain line of teaching that is clearly unbiblical. Others fall prey to temptation and shipwreck their faith and witness. It is a sad sight to see, a grievous reality, but not uncommon.

What are we to make of this? How are we to respond?

First, we would do well to be reminded that this is not something new. The Apostle Paul often mourned the loss of friends and partners in ministry, as there were some who embraced false teaching, some who fell prey to the love of money, some who simply were caught up in worldliness, the list could go on. Among them are names like Demas (2 Tim. 4:9) and Phygelus and Hermogenes (2 Tim. 1:15). Especially painful for Paul was the desertion of many who were unwilling to support him when times got tough. Yet even then Paul was willing to forgive – his love for them held fast saying, “may it not be held against them.” (2 Tim. 4:16)

The Apostle John, one of the inner three disciples of Christ who perhaps lived the longest and saw the longest portion of the church’s early history, reported that some people who refused to remain in the faith actually proved that they had never truly been converted and incorporated into the church. He wrote:

“They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.” ~1 John 2:19

Others who have not been trained, lack discernment gifts, or grounding in sound theology can also be easily swayed by experiences or cultural trends that they are unable to sort out through a biblical lens or put in proper perspective. When this happens the impact of such dramatic experiences may cause them to question their underlying assumptions of what they’ve traditionally been taught or it may cause them to find a way to reinterpret the Scriptures to support their experience. In either case they may leave the church.

Surely everything that we’ve taught should be tested – but if it’s truth it should pass the test. The true danger lies in having “an experience” with God and rather than using the Word of God as a filter to interpret it, the person finds a way to discover a proof text and twist the Scripture out of its proper context in order to legitimize what they “already believe and are convinced of.”

It has been my experience that cultural, societal, and political trends have had a huge impact on the church’s reading of Scripture and the implementation of church practice. Surely this is true of every age to some degree, but I think it has been much worse on the evangelical church in America today.

But to our main point, this is why some friends have wandered off into bad teaching or poor church practice or have left the church altogether due to experiences that they have been ill-equipped to handle, sort out, or interpret.

Further, though the church should always be prayerfully seeking reform, it is true that there are some discontented Christians who are so fed up with the church for one reason or another that their cynical spirits and bitter attitudes have driven them into areas of belief and church practice that are clearly out of bounds in a biblical sense. Unfortunately, they may lack the grace and maturity to patiently reason with one another, and as a result they would rather distance themselves and go their own way. A sad but common reality, and relationships can be severed.

And then finally, some have not rejected the faith so much as they have rejected the church because of a horrible experience or a lack of grace that they may have encountered from immature believers who did not know how to handle someone else’s sin, failures, or differences in perspective. Some of these people take years to recover from something like this – and it is not always their fault. But it still results in a rejection of the “community of faith.”

So the three reasons we’ve covered are this (and they are not meant to be exhaustive): Some fall away relationships or the church because they never really believed in the first place. Some fall away because they are ill prepared or equipped to handle winds of bad teaching or experiences that they do not know how to interpret biblically. And then finally, some have walked away simply because they’re angry and impatient or have legitimately been hurt. They don’t have the energy to persevere or desire to forgive.

So what is our response? Love. Sympathy. Grace. Humility. Patience. While at the same time, we should be committed to prayer for them, always willing to engage and embrace, and prepared to defend the faith. Perhaps in some cases we should even be apologetic if the friend was genuinely hurt for unjustifiable reasons. Live long enough, and this will undoubtedly happen to you. But we must remember, that the kind of Christ-like love we are called to is the kind of radical love that imitates our Savior, the One who loved us even while we were yet sinners (Rom. 5:8). If our loving God was willing to leave the comforts and privileges of heaven to come here and sacrificially give his life towards those who were hostile to him, how much more should we seek to love those who have turned, walked away from, or rejected us, the church, or the faith for one reason or another?

Don’t give up on them. No matter what. Keep preaching, speaking, and living the Gospel. Pray, and love unconditionally. Be prepared to give an answer for the hope you have, and season everything with grace. You may “win your brother or sister over.”

"The Already Not Yet" Aspect of the Christian Life

The Christian’s dilemma could be best characterized by the “already not yet” reality of the Christian life. As those who have trusted in Christ for our salvation, we stand before God in a positional state of “grace” (Romans 5:1-2). What this means is that we are no longer condemned, exonerated from wrath, covered by the blood of Jesus, promised an inheritance, and so forth. That’s the “already” aspect of being saved.

But then there is the “not yet.” Here in this life, we still struggle with the flesh, a battle with sin that reminds us that we are not yet perfect, nor ever will be in this life. We must rely on God’s ongoing forgiveness and grace and the empowerment of the Spirit to have any measure of victory over our sin. So as Paul said, we “press on,” we labor and strive to be holy and set apart for God. In Philippians 2, Paul says we should “continue to work out” our salvation. Not work for, but work out. We don’t earn our salvation, rather we are to demonstrate that we’ve received it by faith and that this Spirit-led faith compels us to change and grow spiritually. In other words, we seek to become like Jesus in character and conduct, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, seek to win souls and conform our lives to God’s will.

In sum, we are saved by grace, we stand in grace, and we grow spiritually by God’s grace which we need everyday in our lives. In one sense we are perfect in our standing before God, but still in the practical sense, not yet freed from our ongoing battle with sin. This is why we still need “daily grace” to forgive and cover our sin. Thanks be to God who gives us that abundantly.

Heart and Hands - What I Want to Copy and Paste from Jesus

I have found that after several years of ministry that there is no replacing personal time with God and a personal touch with people. As for the former, there is much to discover within the recesses of God's heart that cannot be discovered by mere experience but only in private consultation. I see his character within the pages of His revelation, but until I have stopped to ponder it over and again in my mind, I no nothing of it in any real tangible sense. It's just knowledge until it sinks deeper into my soul and takes root and shows itself in my consciousness, motives, and intentional activities. Perhaps this is what is meant by "participating in the divine nature" (2 Pet. 1:4). Not merely an awareness of God but a partnership and fellowship within the secret activities of the heart. Perhaps I am never more like God than when I am simply with him, enjoying the sweetness of joy that comes from a conversation that saturates the dry parts of my soul. This is where he reveals to me his heart in such a way that it changes mine. Truly this is what Brother Lawrence meant when he wrote "Practicing the Presence of God." I've noticed that even the Savior himself went up to the mountainside to pray. There's nothing like recharging with the Father. I want to know his heart.

As for the latter, God has been reminding me of what really matters in ministry. Nothing replaces quality time, purposeful interest, active listening, genuine encouragement, and timely follow-up. These are the things that touch the hearts of people. It expresses care and love, and it cannot be substituted in any way. It is the heart of a shepherd that people crave. For whether we pastors know it or not, we represent in some mysterious way the Chief Shepherd in a surrogate sense. We are "under shepherds," entrusted with the flock of God to whom we will give an account. And people can see right through us. They can sniff out a fake. But for the one who is the real deal, they will be quick to entrust their lives to you because they know you care.

How have I represented him? Have I shown others his heart? Do I reflect His compassion and come alongside others with an empathy and sympathy that would communicate His presence? These are the questions I must ponder. They are gripping. And I'm afraid that there are times when I fall way short of His holy calling. Paul said, "who is equal to such a task?" I know what he meant. And I know what Jesus meant when he said, "apart from me you can do nothing."

The temptation to do ministry "in the flesh" is there daily. Pride is a constant battle as I'm sure it is for most people. One must intentionally humble oneself to be used rightly. It's not that one should just pray for humility, but rather one must knowingly seek to place oneself in a humble state, looking for a way to lower oneself. God intentionally came to earth not as a man but as a baby. It was a purposeful choice. He pondered his path and took the low road. That's what we all must do. That, in some slight way, may be what Paul meant when he said that Jesus "emptied himself" (Phil. 2) -- he did not consider his equality with God something to use to his advantage, but became like one of us (except for sin). He went into the trenches with people, touched the untouchable, consoled the unconsolable, listened to those overlooked, gave grace and attention to those who called out for help, and did it all with dirty feet and unwashed hair. He also gave his life away...

That's what a shepherd does, and that's how he should minister to his flock. Lord make me like that. Make me like you in prayer, and make me like you with people.

A Powerful Definition of Christian Counseling

I ran across this definition of what it means to receive counseling in the church by John Piper, and I felt it was instructive, insightful, and encouraging to share with you. May you be the "church in action" today on this weekday -- encouraging each other daily as the Day approaches.

"What is counseling? The God-centered, Bible-saturated, emotionally in-touch use of language to help people become God-besotted, Christ-exalting, joyfully self-forgetting lovers of people. Biblical counsel does not direct people to esteem themselves – it directs them to esteem God, and doing this means waging war. A Sunday sermon isn’t enough; neither is a weekly small group. To persevere in this fight, we are to “exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13). Hebrews teaches us that perseverance is essential in salvation, and that it is a community project. Satisfy your soul in the ultimate Treasure so you move away from comfort and toward need; fight for the salvation of your brothers and sisters in Christ; hold fast to the faith; encourage one another." ~ John Piper

Speaking with Passion on What's Most Important

Recently I preached a series of messages on the Christian’s relationship to the governing authorities. It is not a subject that I am deeply endeared to but felt compelled to preach on as a result of encountering Jesus’ statement, “render to Caesar what belongs to Caesar” in Mark 12. In this statement Jesus legitimized human government, and in Romans 13 Paul expanded on it to teach us that government is something that God has sovereignly established on earth for the purpose of governing society, rewarding the good and punishing the bad, while providing a sense of restraint to evil and order to a sinful world.

His was not a statement of endorsement of all that an earthly government does, but merely an affirmation that God is the One who has established it for his sovereign purposes. Surely though, government exists for our good in the general sense even when it is not operated by godly people or is advocating biblical perspectives and policies.

It seems that on every street corner in this country the subject of politics, postmodern cultural warfare, economic and foreign policy, and health care are on the lips and minds of all who are alive and breathing. Opinions are as varied and strong as ever. The past two elections have seen more participation than in much of recent American history, and the intensity of the conversations and emotional weight that is thrown into them seems to be at all time high. I am a bit jealous of the intensity, to be honest, wishing that all Christians were mimicking it in our righteous living and in our conversations to all about how the cross saves believing sinners.

In a time like this, I believe that Christians have reached some fertile soil for sharing their faith. The firm foundation of absolute truth is a needed ointment to the disease of cultural relativism. People are longing for something stable, something true, something to believe in that is a much needed fix to the brokenness they are experiencing in the world, and they are fast coming to the conclusion that no political entity or process is going to be their salvation any time soon, no matter who is in charge.

We know the real truth however, that there is no salvation to be found in any earthly institution or authority, but rather true salvation is found only in the name of Jesus Christ. We don't need political salvation, but spiritual salvation. And this is where the blindness of Satan has captured many. For they think that if the economy is right, war is eradicated, and their political preferences all line up and are in place, that their lives are going to be profoundly fulfilled. They forget that spiritual matters are more important than anything else. And they don’t see that the personal sin issue is the biggest one of all.

All of what we see in the world comes right back to this. The spiritual nature of these earthly battles cannot be overlooked. There is a spiritual war going on here. The economic, cultural, social, and literal wars we are going through are merely symptoms of that greater spiritual warfare that hovers over them all. And without the right spiritual resolution, these things will only get worse. It could very well be that the common grace that God has used to restrain sin is being lifted a bit so that our world system is all the more in line with that which is described to come at the end.

I am no predictive prophet, but the feeling I have is that the time is short. The ground is fertile, and Christians need to be speaking God’s truth with a little more courage, purposefulness, and intensity than before. Come on Christian! Stand up. Proclaim the truth – speak the Gospel daily. Talk about the cross. Talk about forgiveness. Show unbridled love, a contagious joy, and an excitement about Christ.

Don’t despair. Don’t lose hope, and don’t place that hope in earthly temporal processes and institutions. Should we be voting and talking to our leaders about matters of right and wrong? Absolutely. We should do this as God has given us the miraculous freedom to do so. We should use the resources given to us to speak about matters of truth in areas such as abortion, medical ethics, marriage, and so on. Since these effect areas where we live, we must be engaged. Not consumed, but engaged. God’s truth is timeless and eternal, and is the standard by which all will be judged. So we better be speaking it with regard to all the practical areas of life. And to do this effectively we must also know our Bibles and know what God’s truth is (a plug for more biblical study).

There are some who spend all their days on the computer forwarding emails about political issues that bash this or that leader while their Bible sits on a shelf and their neighbors suffer in silence because no one is relationally loving and reaching out to them. My brethren, these things should not be. Merely making the world moral through political policies is not our ultimate goal – saving souls who are hell-bound without the Gospel of God’s grace is. This does not dismiss us or silence us from engaging on moral issues, it just rearranges our priorities so that the spiritual comes first in our minds before the earthly and temporal. And don't you think it might be important that before we speak one word about political issues in the coffee shop or the workplace, we must have already spoken ten words about Christ to our family members – our fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandchildren, and anyone else in our close quarters.

Remember this, God is in control of history. And He may be setting this world system up for His return. He is not responsible for evil, man is – but God orchestrates everything for His ordained ends. And He has commanded us to “hold on loosely” to this world and to go preach the Word! Go Christian – get up, get out there, and live and love radically for Christ. Fear not! The Lord is with you. He is mighty to save! (Zeph. 3:17)